So after my wife read my previous post she mentioned to me that it felt to her like a highlight reel...and the more I thought about it the more I saw it too. So now I am going to try and capture some of the things I felt during those days, and some feelings that still creep up on me. Firstly I am not one of those "macho" men, I love a good laugh, a good cry and I also get angry...it is healthy in my opinion to feel these things. I f you think the previous entry was all over the show, timeline wise...hold on to your horse..hehe
I think the best place to start would be the reason why I took my wife's recommendation on writing this post. Being a man of God, she being a woman close to His heart I trust her. She knew everything before we got married, but still I don't think she ever could understand the pain and emotional struggles I had to endure...then one morning she tells me this: She had a dream and it was like she was a spectator over looking a moment, or a few, in my life...God gave her this dream and she felt all my raw emotions during those events. She was heart broken, but understood me so much better...low and behold she also understood why I needed to part ways with my mother and her husband. Her words still stay wit me...:"I will stand by your choice, I understand what you went through".
Wow I recall the hurt, betrayal and just pure anger when I realised that my mother willingly sent me to visit my dad on my own...she was supposed to protect me from him, but she sent me to him knowing what he is and is capable of doing. I mean the one holiday she did not even know where I was the whole school holidays...she thought that he had kidnapped me.
The emotions got to me later more than earlier, as I got older...I recall the fear one day because my dad did not pitch to pick me up for the school holidays, I was walking up and down the street for a bout an hour or so wondering if he was in a car accident...crying thinking he was hurt. The next day I would get a phone call to say he could not pick me up and I can't go to him for the holidays. This broke me, now I had to face my friends, who all knew that I was going to visit him...
Ooooo talking about friends... every time I saw my friends playing with their dads I had to take a walk and dry my tears off..those moments hurt like a burning knife to the heart.
Years later my mom told me how I use to tell her how bad she was and that she was the reason my dad is in such a struggle...he made me say those words to her, I mean I was only 6 years old...again a wave of anger, guilt and betrayal overflowed through me like a crashing wave.
Talking about age...when my dad was in prison he use to send me these lovely letters for my birthday and the odd letter every now and then, looking back on those wow did he ly through his teeth to me. Anyway back to the age thing...one birthday he sent me a telegram for my birthday, he was out of jail by then...I felt that that was my worth to him..just a few words, not even a full sentence. W covered the humiliation about the brick that he wrapped for me as a Christmas gift...wow that moment was..was...can't find the words, but the tears are close by.
Back to my mom...she once slapped me through the face because I did not want to eat anymore...no one at the table stood up for me, so I walked away and only got home late that night...felt angry and ashamed by her actions, that was also the last time I could say "I love you " to her. To top it off she tried it again when I was 18...I actually had no emotional connection to her after that.
During all these emotions from the doings of my parents, I was still trying to find myself in this crazy world...friends, sport, school, social life, romance (hehe)...I just thank God that I was saved in the year of 1997...not that that ride was smooth..but that story is for another entry.
I use to walk around in my small little town looking for my dad's car..just maybe he was there waiting for me, wanting to spend time with me...this would make me expand also very depressed at the same time...I recall many times that maybe just maybe if I took my own life that I would be better off, away from this pain, humiliation, anger and fears...I recall putting a pillow over my head and holding it there till I almost passed out...by the grace of God I never could go through with any of those actions of mine...
Anger and humiliation where most probably the two biggest feelings I had...the day I heard my mom was going to marry C, wow I was filled with rage...then a gain also the day I was with my dad at his wedding...
So my dad also stole lots of money from me, sold some of my stuff and then just kept quiet about it, or blamed someone else for it...I recall one day that he took all my money to buy food etc for the weekend I saved that money from birthday money and working the odd jobs around the house and my grandparents house. He sold my train set, sold my Springbok skin rug...there are a few more...back when this happened I thought that I was helping him, doing good...later on in life I just got really mad because I realised that he had to look after me and not steel from me...I can't imagine doing that to my sons!!! What was I worth to him if he could just sell my stuff and then keep the money for himself...
One night at my uncle's house my dad tried to physically hurt me, to show me that he is stronger than me...man I was very skinny (wind blow over skinny..hehe). The fear I had for him from then was not a feeling that a child should feel towards any parent. He walked in to the room drunk one night, walked over me and started hitting and kicking the wall in his sleep...I was so fearful that I slept on the couch that night. My uncle saw me the morning asked why I am here, I told him, he changed the subject and made me coffee...again was I worth nothing to my family...was no one going to protect me against this man..?
Till this day not one of his siblings has admitted that he or they where wrong..not one has ever protected me against him...my aunt did once or twice not allow me to go home with him when he was too drunk to drive, but still it was not "his fault". Years later these emotions of not feeling wanted by them surfaced...I wanted nothing to do with any of them...I made that clear to some of them.
I always wondered how I would react if he would die...would I feel anything towards him, his death..? Well I put my fist through a bathroom door the day I found out...I was on an outreach..(read about this in the 2nd entry). I was crushed, we had just started to get to know each other again, no more fights over the phone just us talking like "friends"...then this happened. I was broken for a long time after this..I got really angry because I never got to tell him how I felt all those years, how he broke me, I was angry because I enjoyed our phone calls...at the funeral they read out about a man I did not know...he sounded like a saint, this made me so angry I wanted to scream at the pastor reading all this nonsense. Then he (my dad) landed his final blow to me, in his suicide... he left a letter to say how much he loved...his daughter did not even mention me, the pastor did not even know he had a son... I was really nothing to him...an outlet of his anger?a mistake?I will never know for he is gone for ever...
As a student I worked as a waiter (ok so I had many part-time jobs) at a seafood restaurant, I had an order for a crayfish...you have to catch it yourself from the tank..now my dad use to go diving for them often..as I caught it I ran to the back and wanted to call him...he was dead for two years already...I was broken again...
Before I start crying here in the coffee shop where I am typing, I will close off with one last thing...one Sunday at church a father's day sermon (I hated those, o how good dads are etc...) but my wife said let's go...that day God spoke to me and he showed me a vision: He showed me that I am the apple of His eye (He clearly showed me a massive tree and a red apple with the words spoken to me)... I was so overwhelmed by His love that I was just crying and crying...that day He started His journey of healing me...and boy what a journey this has been... this will be the next entry...the healing process.
Please see my heart behind this blog...I want all men to know that there is hope for you, whether you are going through this or have gone through this...you are not alone!!! There are more of us out there, there is a God that loves you and wants to bring healing from all these bad feelings of hate, humiliation and fear...
