So I have been pondering about this part of the journey for a while now...not sure where to start, or how to start to be honest with you. Then I realised it is because I cannot pin point the day and date that this journey started, but that it started is for sure...so I am just going to start writing and believe that God will guide me to write what needs to be heard (read hehe)... so here we go...
Looking back at this crazy rollercoaster ride that I had, I think the healing started when two things happened 1: I took a stand for myself and stopped taking the abuse from those men in my life and 2: when I started taking ownership for my own life decision and stopped blaming them for my "outcomes" (I use to blame them for the way I did things, say things and all the bad that I did). The 1st part is where the baby steps started en then the deeper healing, which is not always the funnest part, started when the 2nd phase kicked in. Please by no means am I saying this is a 2-step fix all...these two main "things" in my life merely started this healing journey (they kind of flowed over each other, but I had to take a stand first). With these steps I had to start taking ownership for my actions and stop blaming others for my actions, and this goes back to Adam and Eve with in the Garden of Eden...the one blamed the snake the other blamed his wife...both still had a choice and they chose the wrong option...when we start to realise that we need to take ownership of our decisions...then God can come and start healing us, otherwise we cannot open up to Him or people (we only moan and blame others before this happens).
The first time I stood up for myself, against these men, was the day I was brave enough (for some this might look disrespectful) to tell my biological father how I feel about him. This happened over the telephone, as this was how we communicated because I was not visiting him. I was so sick after that conversation that I threw up (sorry)...after that it was like the scales started falling off my eyes and I started seeing things for what they where. This is probably not deemed for someone of that age (15 years old), but I think this was the start of my journey... Things started to make sense, why I acted and reacted the way I did during this starting phase God also started revealing my spiritual gifting(s) to me...fast forward to this day I can see it now and it has just strengthened even more. Ok back to the story...I still visited my dad, once or twice during this time (you can recall from the previous entries), but after my visits and during I saw the "wrongs" that was busy unfolding in front of me, and I knew this was not how I want to live my life.
After I finished High School, I joined a Christian Adventure group, we did amazing things and God did amazing things for us. During this time, within the first week...the Holy Spirit showed me that I need to start forgiving...mmm not fun at all and by no means easy. I have never cried so much in my life as did that one night...it was amazing how forgiving them, mainly my dad, set me FREE!!!! Unbeknown to me, this part of my journey was a looooong and ongoing one, many of prayer sessions, many days of sitting and forgiving (you read the things that I had to endure, some on a daily basis...that means forgiving on a daily basis). During these two years spent on the adventure farm so many children came to me with the same pain that I had endured and was busy going through. In my own weakness and at the start of my own healing journey God already started using my story to help His children. After the forgiveness started, I really had to start taking ownership of my own actions, as I forgave them, God started showing me how my actions are not in His will for me and for His path for me. This was not easy, this means I also had to say sorry for some of my actions and had to stop playing the blame-game for the bad things in my life most of all..I had to change from these "old" ways. God says in His word that He (Jesus) came to heal the sick and set the captives free. If I was then set free, then I should start living like a free person, this means no more blaming "them" for my actions...harsh words...but I had to hear it (and so do you...).
In 2004 I received a verse from God Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them." 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Remember this verse...o how this became something amazing 12 years later!!! So now I have a pretty crazy promise from God...He will guide me and I will "lead His people"....guess what I am today...a teacher (enter smiley face). After my dad's suicide the healing became "harsher" I thought we would be able to talk things out and make peace, we kind of did because we had phone calls every week in the last three months before he died...without fighting or me getting sick...o and my croup also passed (according to doctors this is a childhood sickness to be outgrown by the age of about 7...mine was linked to the stress caused by my dad) this sickness lasted till I was 19 years old. From here I started studying and lost the plot completely for a while...During this stage in my life my stepdad was worse than ever, but God had His plan set out for me and He showed me many truths during this period of my "reckless" student years. My spiritual eyes started to open more and more and He revealed to me the lies that was set towards me (those imposed on me from my mother and those that I believed because of how I was treated by my dad and stepdad).
Fast track forward to the year 2010...the year I met my wife 😀. We both realised at an early stage we wanted to get married, I then told her everything (that you have read in the previous posts) and by God's grace she was not put off by it, she saw the man that God created and not the one that was battered by the world. She was/is part of my whole healing journey that was unfolding in my life. Her family showed me how it is to be loved by parents, with their own mistakes, but always out of love. (look we disagree on plenty of things....but not the love that they have for us as a family). God took my five on a crazy journey one night and gave her a dream where she was "present" on one of the occasions that I went through with one of my parents, God made her feel ALL my emotions that I felt...she woke up and said that she will follow any decision that I make regarding my family and she understands know the pain that I endured...(this was a key moment that I will talk about later).
Needless to say I hardly ever went to church when it was father's day, this one Sunday my wife "forced" me to go...o boy was I in for a treat...this young man, who was ministering to our congregation, walked off the stage and made a b-line straight towards me...I knew then I had a meeting with God!!! He said that God is going to start "taking out all the bad in my life, but He is going to use a scalpel and do it with the precision of a skilled doctor" I broke and was in tears for the rest of the service. The following year, also Father's Day at church, God showed my that I am the apple of His eye, combined with the colour blue...as `I touched my wife's hand....our boy was born the following year. building up to this point God the Father started to show me His heart for me, tearing down the lies of the enemy one by one. I praise God that He had always kept my heart "soft" and the want for my own child(ren) was always there.
April 2016...my first son was born...when I saw his face I broke out in tears and I was overwhelmed by a love that I have neer experienced in my life!!! I then realised the love that God the Father has for me (and for you) and if I love my 2min old son so much...how much more does he not love me!!!! Remember that verse...well this verse was given to my son by two other people who did not know me when it was given to me...God always had me protected and my unborn child(ren). Jeremia 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; appointed you as a prophet for the nations" This verse was given to me by a man close to God's own heart...my spiritual gift is prophesy... Reader...if you by now cannot see the Hand of God on my life..I urge you to make contact with me.
After I got married I became a teacher, what a place to be in a broken world....God has placed so many broken people on my path to help, and to teach me more of His love for me and the world. After my wife had that dream...God paved the way for me to be able to free myself and my wife and child from the poison that was spilling into my house from my mom and her husband. O do believe me..I got plenty of "bad reviews" from friends and fellow "church people"...but I had to protect my house from this. Just imagine going through all this and then willing letting my sons also go through this..no that would be reckless of me. The past year God has more and more revealed His plan for me...thus the reason why this blog is here...
The healing is not done, but I know God said "like a surgeon"..and a surgeon knows when to cut and when to wait...The scars that has been left behind are reminders to me:
Remembering how God protected me during my life
His unexplainable love for me
That I have a story to tell, to those that are busy going through this, that have been through this and who are doing this to their children
To all dad's out there (and my female readers), the sons and all other men...God loves you sooo much He is your Heavenly Father and He wants you to come sit on His lap and just soak in HIs love. My this Love that saved me and my house bring peace to you and your house. And yes...men you can cry you may cry you have to cry!!! This is not weakness this is compassion...I cried so many times writing this blog...this entry was very emotional for me, just recalling His love over me...
May God bless you in your journey...My journey is not over and we will look at more stories from here on forth.
