So by now you know that I have a a stepdad, for his own sake let's call him C. This chapter will be focused on him, and a bit on my mom, seeing that they intertwined in this period of my life. Little background on the man, he was the youngest sibling, did is time in the army, was married a few times before he married my mom and has two children (rumour has it that he has a 3rd, the oldest, but he has not seen this child since the first divorce happened). Ok ok yes, from this alone you would have seen the red lights flashing and as you I also wondered why my mom married this guy... The flip side of this is that he had a job, did not drink, had a house and "did the whole church thing" (I put it this way for later obvious reasons). So all these are the opposite of my dad at that time and this is most probably why she married him. O and yes, she was warned by others... just dropping that there...
So they got married, I was miserable, because my childhood dream was that my mom and dad would get back together again (look I was still blind for all the "wrongs" of mu dad). We moved in with C and then things became a little different for me and then my mom. From the start it was made clear that there is a clear distinction between his children en me, I was always the last to receive the good and the first to receive the bad. Look I do not blame his children for any of this, then one still does not know how he treated me all those years. He did in the first year ask me if I wanted to change my surname to his and be part of his "linage" mmm nope and no...I still had hope for my mom and dad, also I wanted to stay who I was and not be part of this "new" thing. I was about 7 when this all happened.
The first few years was not al that bad in C's house, some mornings he would take me to school, I had my own room with a bathroom (flushed with the bedroom's built-in cupboards, pretty cool hey) and we had an average lifestyle. My dad, however, was not allowed to phone me on C's landline and was not allowed on C's premises, so when he did come and pick me up for a holiday he had to ring the bel and then wait on the sidewalk for me. Look C thinks he is this strong guy, but I know he was very much scared of my dad (my dad as we know was a bit of a rough one and would not shy away from a fight). I recall my dad one day pointing his gun to a car guard's head to make sure this guy looks after his car...scary I was about 9 at that time. Back to C, so this little power control of his became worse over the years, like those cartoon snowballs that roll down a mountain..it becomes very much destructive as it grows bigger. He told my mom she does not need to work, she has to stay at home and look after the household, this was the turning point for all my mom's problems (looking back it is clear to me now), this meant that he is in complete control over her and me. Then he lost his job, not by his own doing, I will give him that, he stood against corruption in the company he worked for and he was then "let go"... this was the start of his house of cards falling to the ground...
Please one thing I have to say about this man, he never hit me, my mom promised me that he never hit her, I also think she said that out of fear that I would do something horrible to him. Those days I had a bad temper, in my teen years, this combined with 10years of martial arts was not a place to mess with me. C was more of the verbal abusive type and o man o man psychological abuse was his no 1 weapon. Look those days you couldn't report someone for doing this to you, you just had to suck it up and most of the time believe that you are the one that is wrong...wow did I "believe" some of those lies he spoke over me... we will get to the healing and forgiveness part of my journey. I am going to online some of the things that he did and said, or did not say or do, that had lasting effects on my life...
I recall so many days that he got home he would walk in the house greet my mom and the maid, but just walk past me and not even acknowledge the fact that I was in the same room as the others. This happened for years on end... On elf my friends, my best mater in school, we played indoor cricket together, old C did not like him at all. He always had something bad to say about him, one night after a match, we walked into the house and low-and-behold...C greeted him, ignored me, and asked him how he played... The day I became SA champion in Karate, he did not congratulate me, did not even greet me when I got back home form Nationals.
Similar to this, if we had people over he would offer our guests something to drink and just ignore me. I recall once telling my mom the day he makes me coffee is the day he has changed...mmm well he did make me coffee, but he reverted back to the old self very quickly.
O the one I liked the most was the fact that I was never allowed to answer the home phone...had to watch TV on a sound that maybe a bat can hear, or I was just not allowed to because he felt like it and school holidays he would take the remote with hi m to work..hehe
Dinner was a blast, I was not allowed to speak at all, he would grunt and mmmff at table if my mom just as much as asked me how my day was. I did every sport possible at school and then martial arts at night, as to not be at home, and I was really good at sport. The cherry on the cake was when he felt that I was talking to much he would just stand up from the table and go to another room (TV or living room). Some dinners, when I was still in primary school, him and my mom would sit at the TV and eat there, I was not allowed in the TV room with food, so I sat at the door on the floor to be able to watch TV, or to just not sit alone at table. O his children could sit on the couch when they came to visit during holidays.
From the start of this new family he used me for all his smaller works at home, yes I also ask my boys (6 and 2 to do help around the house, but not at the expo our relationship or them being just children) I recall carrying over 2000 bricks from the front of the house to the back, I was about 10 years old, then he would build something not like it and I had to break it down. All this before I was 16 years old, through my holidays he made me do this, taking away my time with friends and just time away from being a child. Added to this, his children never helped at home...
In my Grade 11 year I was part of an outreach for the first part of the school holidays, when I got back my friend asked me to play an indoor cricket game for his team. Mid game my mom appears there, now this was about 30km from home, next door town, to tell me that I need to get out of the house it is not safe for me there. After the game I went home, she told me to get all my valuables out and what I need for school too, he angrily stomped into the room and separated us. I then started to take some of my stuff to my friend's house, C walked past me as I entered our yard again and said "Hallo pimple face"...that was a really bad moment in my life...well it gets worse. That night I literally barricaded myself in my room, I used my desk and moved in against my bedroom door. When I walked into my bathroom he had squished the toothpaste out on the floor...who would believe me if I told them this? So for the next two weeks I was staying with friends, moving from one house to the other so that he does not know where I was. He then one morning threw my mom out of the house and the police had to come to her aid. My mom and I then moved in together and rented a house.
C did many other things to hurt me, he wrote me out of his will more times than I can remember, he would just not speak to me for days on end for no reason, he reminded me of how bad my dad was and that I was just like him and wil also amount to nothing, he did one day raise his hand and wanted to hit me, I ran away and escaped that. O he locked me out of the house many times, I used his fishing rod to get to the keys in the house..hehe, the other times I climbed through my bedroom window and the one time, a student already, he changed the locks and did not give me a key, so I sleeping my car in the driveway (I was not drunk, still respected the fact that I was under his roof). I was called a moffie (gay), because I played tennis (I also played rugby, cricket, was a good athlete and had a black belt in Karate), I was banned from going in to their room and talk to my mom.
After being kicked out to the streets, my mom and he got back together again...I had to move in to the house with them for my final year of schooling. I moved to the room furthest away from them, built on later form the old garage. As a student my mom was not allowed to see me, I attended Uni in the town next to us and moved out of the house as soon as I finished school. She would have to lie to him as to just see me and help me with food etc for my flat. I worked three jobs at times to make ends meet, but hey I made it through those days. I met my, now wife, during this time, my mom, gran and C loved her, C actually started changing for the better. When I our first boy was born, we promised that our past will stay that way and that he will know C as granddad. Things went sideways quickly...I recall seeing patterns in C's behaviour he would be good towards me for a year or so then the next year or so I am out of the will and my mom can't see me etc.. So this happened again (my wife was aware of all the things that you have read thus far, and more) the one day they looked after our son, but was not willing to come to our house for the night we had to drive to them 30km there and then back again to pick up friends for a weekend away, then do the same again the next day. Only to hear he went to watch the rugby matches (drove past our house twice) on his own, but they could not just stay at our place. Picked up our boy and C says: "Make him cry, he has not cried for a long time". They looked after our son one more time and I received a phone call from my mom she is freaking out because my son does not want to stop crying...so they race to our house (my son on her lap on the back seat, not strapped in). We gave him a bottel and new nappy...no more crying...I was fuming...(also wondered how she managed to bring me up...).
So the next part of this journey is were I had to make a very difficult. but also very easy decision in my life...for now I am going to leave you with the above info..bit heavy this chapter...please stay with me on this journey the light at the end of this tunnel is one of grace, love and a much more happier (new) family...
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